Someone tell me a joke.

[Morbius]

I prefer long jokes, if you have one. Puns are okay. I once rattled off ten puns in a row, hoping at least one would generate a laugh. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

[LogDog75]

1. First day in the First Grade

A First Grade teacher was about to welcome a newly graduated class of Kindergartners into her class. After introducing herself and calling roll, she told the kids "You're no longer in Kindergarten so don't use baby words; use grownup words."

Teacher: "Now who would like to tell the class what you did over the Summer and remember, use grownup words"

Mary raises her hand the the teacher calls on her.

Mary: "I visited my nana."

Teacher: "No Mary, you visited your Grandmother. Remember, use grownup words."

Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.

Billy: "I rode a Choo-Choo."

Teacher: "No Billy, you rode a train. Remember, use grownup words."

Johnny: "I read a book"

Teacher: "That's wonderful. What was the name of the book?"

Johnny thinks for a second and says "Winnie the Shit!"

[Emile]

2. LOL 😆

[lastlib]

3. Dogs cannot operate MRI machines.

Only cat scan.

[JoseBalow]

4. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" ... "Well, the stork brings them."

"I know that, but who fucks the stork?"

[Emile]

5. Read my Journal

[Martin Eden]

6. Male vs Female Logic

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[Martin Eden]

7. Getting a hairdryer through customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child,” he said. “What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday; it is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer was strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

[Marthe48]

9. LOL!

Thanks!

[Martin Eden]

8. Pints of Ale

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin and ordered three pints of ale. He took a sip of the first and set it down, then a sip of the second, then a sip of the third, and proceeded to finsish the three pints in this fashion. When he was done, he ordered three more pints.

The bartender said "those pints would be a might fresher if you ordered 'em one at a time".

"Well ya see, " he replied "it's a way of bein' with me brothers. One lives in Australia and the other in the states, so we always order three drinks; it's our way of bein' together."

"That's a fine idea!" said the bartender. He became a regular customer, always ordering three pints, and whenever someone bought a round they'd always give him three.

One time he came in and ordered two pints. When he was finished the bartender poured him two more and said "These are on the house, with my condolences."

"Thanks" he replied, "but why the condolences?"
"Well," said the bartender "since you only ordered two pints I assumed one of your brothers had passed on."

"No, me brothers are fine. It's just that I meself have givin up drinkin' fer Lent".

[Martin Eden]

10. Going the Limit

A car full of little old ladies was going 20 mph on a state highway, and a cop pulled them over for going too slow.

The driver said "But officer, I always go exactly the speed limit."

"Lady, you were only going 20 mph," the cop replied.

"But that's the speed limit. Look at that sign down the road -- it says 20!" she exclaimed.

"Lady, that's the route marker. You're driving on highway 20. The speed limit is 55 unless otherwise posted," the cop explained. He looked in the car and saw the other old ladies were shaking and white as a ghost. "Don't worry, ladies. I'm not going to issue a ticket this time," he reassured.

A lady from the back seat spoke up. "Oh no, officer, you didn't frighten us. Before we turned on this road we were on route 110."

[Martin Eden]

11. Women are not equal to men; they are far greater.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.

She multiples and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!

[Martin Eden]

12. Cliff's Buffalo Theory

In an episode of "Cheers," Cliff Clavin, the trivia-spouting, quirky, irksome mama's boy mailman is seated at the bar describing the buffalo theory to his buddy, Norm Peterson, the beer loving heavyweight bar stool sitting perpetual patron.

Cliff expounds his "Buffalo Theory" to Norm:

“Well, you see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it’s the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”