I find myself really wanting a wedding

[EnergizedLib]

I haven’t had a ton of success with women in my life - five months of romance combined across two women scattered through the years. So, it’s helped me a bit after I used to pine for a girlfriend in high school and college.

I’m looking for the next step, the next box to check off, if you will. I want to put ring on someone and have the wedding of my dreams, where I’m the center of attention and it’s my special day. I know what music I’d want my bride to walk down to, and that I’d want to DJ my own wedding. I want to give a speech, a professional wrestling-type promo, gloating and proclaiming victory in front of everybody at this wedding, where they look on and sit in the aisles at me for once while I’m up there. I know whom I’d want as my best man and whom I’d want to stand.

I just can’t find anyone to do it, and I really will take just about anybody I can get - provided she’s not a trumper, a Q nut, etc. I’m not even asking her to love me, just to be with me. And the way I see it, everybody in this world does things that they don’t want to do, why not do this? Do I think women should feel sorry for me? Absolutely.

I don’t have much, I really don’t - some relatives, loved ones, maybe one or two, three at the most, good friends, plus I’m an only child, an introvert and I’ve had to bury many in what was a small family for me to begin with.

I’m not going to tell you I’m a good person or a nice person, that’s up to other people to decide. I know I’m imperfect. In fact, I’ve said some things and done some things in my life I’m not proud of. Despite this, I’d like to think I have good qualities, those that someone can appreciate in spite of my flaws.

When I got my first girlfriend, my best friend (who still is) wanted to take me to a strip club, and I declined because I was seeing her. She broke it off with me, and the other woman I briefly got together with distanced herself from me, too, despite me not having any major blowup or fight with either of them. In fact, I tried my best to spoil and pamper them both because it made me feel good.

It’s hard to socialize, being on the spectrum, though on the milder side of it. I’m in a rural area where even though I have my career here, I’m not sure I want to stay in and have a family in, especially since they believe in forced birth and their ban in the wake of Dobbs has been temporarily struck down.

I have cried untold amounts of tears since I asked out my first girl at 15 and gotten rejected. It took me until 22 to have my first date (that I paid a matchmaker for), 23 for my first kiss, 25 for my first girlfriend. I haven’t been on a date since late May/early June, haven’t had a kiss in a little more than a year. I’m not as fixated on sex as much as I am being in bed, cuddling, kissing, holding hands - those are big for me.

People will say a girlfriend, a wedding, a wife will not solve all my problems. This is true, absolutely, but it helps. Does it ever help. If a woman is not the cure, she’s been someone who treats, heals, alleviates, whatever terminology you want to use.

When I was half my current age, I thought I’d have a family by now. I’m 31, have this life and no other, and I don’t want to be left out in the cold. Without being too strong in my language, I’m hoping to convey to my next date (whenever and whomever that is) it’s marriage I want.

If I need to save money for an arranged marriage, however much that costs, I’ll do that.